He Just Won’t Leave Me Alone

Blog Post 17

This is the story of my life and the story of my relationship with my father. He just won’t leave me alone. Even if I ask him to. Even when I tell him to.

When I was younger, he touched me, even when I told him not to. He’d smack me on the butt and call me sexy, even when I told him not to. He’d kiss me on the lips, with his mouth open and reach for my boobs, even when I told him not to. He’d come into my bedroom when I was undressed and refuse to leave.

I have asked him not to contact me. And of course, he had to have the last word. He had to try to provoke a reaction out of me.

I got married a little over a month ago and I didn’t invite him. It was a beautiful, simple, low-stress ceremony and celebration. Since it’s been a while, I thought that perhaps I wouldn’t hear from him, but in the back of my mind, I knew. He’s got a history of not respecting boundaries and of course he couldn’t respect that I asked him not to contact me.

I know it irks him that I’ve done this, and I haven’t explained, unless you count those times when I asked him to stop touching me in the moment. Asked him to stop leering at me. And making terrible comments. He had his chance to course correct.

I don’t want to listen to his excuses. I won’t listen to him blaming me, denying that he’s done anything, or calling me too sensitive. Again. That’s what he’s always done. He’s the center of his own universe.

Quite frankly, when I opened the card and read that he had signed it, “Your former dad,” I laughed. Just a bit. It’s not that funny, but it’s also not very powerful over me. Not at all.

I admit, curiosity got the better of me and I had to open that envelope. If he ever sends me a check, it’s going to the Rape Crisis Center. I don’t want his dirty money. I was actually relieved that he didn’t send any gift, just his words.

I unceremoniously threw the card in the kitchen trash with a bunch of orange peels and old lettuce. As far as he is concerned, he mailed that card into a void. He tried to incite a response, but the only response he’ll get from me is silence.

The Toxic Wedding Guest

Blog post 11

The Toxic Wedding Guest

I’ve been planning, for the past two years, to get married. We want a small wedding, with only close family and a few friends, less than fifteen people including us. The problem was, if we talk about immediate family, my father would surely be included in that list.

I didn’t want him there, and I agonized over that for a good year and a half. Having him there would give me so much anxiety about what he would do, how he would offend other guests there, or make the wedding about himself.

At first I considered having a destination wedding. Having a wedding out of state would provide a plausible explanation for why my dad couldn’t be there, both to other guests and to him. He’s too old to really travel like that anymore. It would give me an easy way out, in that he wouldn’t be able to come and I wouldn’t have to go to the trouble of not inviting him and all the repercussions that came with that. In other words, it would really let me off of the hook. I looked at multiple bed and breakfasts in several different states, looked up local marriage laws, even considered Vegas. While all of these were doable, the problem was that a couple guests, who were very important to us, would not be able to travel to be there. It wasn’t really a fair exchange.

So after a lot of thought, a year an a half’s worth, I relented and offered to get married in town. And then my anxiety over it really began to escalate. I was still not estranged from my father at this point, and I was really worried about how he’d behave at the wedding. I was afraid he’d say horrible, sexist, insulting things to the women there. I was afraid he’d be inappropriate with me. You never know what he’s going to say. He really is a creepy old man.

And then one time when I was pondering this and discussing it, I blurted out, “Well if (twelve-year-old female family member) comes, we’ll have to really watch him, because twelve is his favorite age for little girls.”

And then I thought, Oh my God, what the fuck just came out of my mouth? And I knew it was the truth. I am sure that I am not the one that my father has molested. He’s so blatant about it that nobody figures out what he’s doing. I’m sure he’s grabbed a girl and held her too long and groped her breast in the guise of a hug, right in front of other people. He’s forced kisses on unwilling victims as they squirm away. He’s even charmed them to sit on his lap, then there is the hug, and before she knows it, there is an old man’s hand brushing across her breast. He’s a genuinely creepy old man and he’s not going to ruin my wedding with his presence.

But the problem is not as simple as not inviting him. I’d have to tell my kids why. And not some bland story, they’d really have to know. I may have to answer the question of other guests as to why he’s not there. I’ve already decided that they will get a bland yet final, “He can’t come.”

So this all came to a head just before Christmas. We made the decision to get married here, in town, and to not invite my father. I was ready to let the chips fall where they may.

Except for the fact that this stressed me out so badly that I woke up on Christmas morning with shingles. I recognized what it was and was at the urgent care at 6am on Christmas morning to get antivirals, which worked. But I should point out that risk factors for shingles at my age are being immunocompromised, which I am not, or stress. So, this decision caused me extreme stress, but I was determined to go forward.

I told my kids, and they were both tremendously supportive. I went through Christmas and winter birthdays with no contact with my father. He wrote sad letters to me protesting my rejection, but I finally told him to stop contacting me. So far, he hasn’t since then.

The wedding is about a month away and my father is not invited. I’m enjoying planning it and I expect it to be a good time. I’m free from the anxiety and worry as to what he’d do or say if he were to come. We’re planning on celebrating our marriage surrounded by people we love and who really care about us. I am looking forward to it.

Abuse Disguised as Punishment

Blog Post 10

Abuse Disguised as Punishment

Of all the memories that send me into a hot rage, it’s the memories of the spankings that get me there the most.

I don’t even remember what I was supposedly punished for, on numerous occasions. But I remember the spankings. There was a ritual to them, a script, that my dad followed with me every time he spanked me. Its predictability added to the horror for me, because once it started, I knew what would follow.

It would start with me being in trouble for something. Like I said, I can’t remember any specific thing, but I never did anything major as a kid, such as steal or get into fights. Usually, it was my mother who would be angry with me, and then it would be, “Just wait until your father gets home.”

I would be ordered to go with him to the rec room, and he would sit on the couch, and I would stand. He would proclaim, “This is going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you.” But I knew that it wouldn’t. By this time, I’d already be crying in anticipation.

He would then order me to pull my pants down. He’d order me to pull down my underwear also, which I would resist. I didn’t want to be exposed to him. But if I didn’t do it, he would use his superior strength and brute force to remove them from me. So I would comply but I would try to cover myself.

My father would then order me to lean over his lap on my knees and the spanking would begin. He would slap the back of my thighs so hard I would scream in pain. He would yell at me to be quiet. Getting slapped on the back of the thighs hurts like Hell and he’d hit my private areas also. But since he was hitting my thighs, I wondered why he insisted on removing my underwear, since he wasn’t smacking me on my butt. As a child I didn’t understand, but as an adult who has looked at his behavior as a whole, I think I know.

During the spanking, I reflexively fought and tried to get away, but he would hold me there. I’d always end up with red marks and sometimes bruised. On more than one occasion he beat me past the point of fighting and screaming; I just didn’t have anything left. But he continued until he was done.

But when he was done with the spanking, the ritual was not over. I’d stand up, slouched over so he couldn’t see me, and pull my underwear and pants back on while he watched me, but he’d be holding my arm, preventing my escape.

Then he would demand, “Now come here and give me a hug and a kiss and tell me you love me.” I wouldn’t be allowed to leave until I complied. The kiss was on the lips, always. The hugs were too long. And I had to tell this monster that had just beaten me that I loved him. If I wanted to leave, if I wanted him to let go of me, I had to do these things. This act of coercion was as horrible and humiliating as the spanking itself. More so, actually.

I don’t know if there is such a thing as a spanking that isn’t abuse, but I guarantee you, this was.

Not knowing any better, I did try spanking my own kids when they were little a few times. But not that brutally. Nevertheless, it only made me feel horrible about myself and it didn’t do anything to make the kids’ behavior better. If anything, it made it worse. I found better ways to teach my kids to behave. The idea of raising children is to teach them to function in civilized society, not teach them about brutality and force and power.

These humiliating spankings continued until I was at least twelve years old. They finally quit when I had had enough, and I had grown large enough to stand up to him. He ordered me to remove my pants and I told him, “No.” He grabbed me and tried to do it himself, but I had grown pubic hair that I had decided that he wasn’t going to see again. I fought back even with him holding me by the arm and in the chaos of the moment I may even have punched him. Ultimately, he gave up. That was the last time he tried to spank me. (I knew he liked to look because I’d seen him do it. In addition to that, if I wasn’t out of bed early enough, he’d come into my bedroom and rip the covers off of me, even if I agreed to get out of bed if he would leave the room. He just continued with the yelling and pulling on my covers until I streaked out of bed and hid in my robe while he watched.)

There are other instances that didn’t fit this particular ritual. If he suddenly became upset with me, he’d whip his belt off and beat me with that. Sometimes it was a bare bottom beating or other times he’d be too impatient for that and he’d beat me through whatever I was wearing. But that didn’t save me at all, because he’d just do it harder.

My mother, in addition to sending me to my dad to be beaten, would slap me in the face herself. If she didn’t like what was “coming out of my mouth,” she’d just haul off and slap my face. If that didn’t satisfy her, she didn’t shy away from the spankings, too. Since she felt that she wasn’t strong enough to deliver sufficient pain, she resorted to beating me with either a wooden spoon or a hairbrush. Again, this stopped when I stood up to her and told her she wasn’t going to lay a hand on me. That, of course, ended up with her turning me over to my dad. It was a few more years until I was big and strong enough to make him stop.

Due to the home situation, I was a really unhappy kid. It’s even hard for me to look at pictures of myself as a child. I used to pray to God to take my life at night when I went to bed and said my prayers. I prayed wishing that I’d never been born. I prayed that these horrible people hadn’t adopted me, that I’d been adopted by a family that loved me. I really think that part of the reasons that my parents hated me so much was because I wasn’t like them. That I wasn’t really their child.

I have some happy childhood memories, but for the most part, the thing that saved me, that gave me hope, was that I knew that someday I’d grow up and move out. I knew that they wouldn’t hold this power over me forever.

Chosing Sides in My Divorce

Blog Post 9

Choosing Sides in My Divorce

One of my motivations for marrying my first husband, or perhaps just marrying him a little too quickly, was to get out of the house. For a variety of reasons, it didn’t last.

When that marriage was going up in flames and I was moving out, I asked my father to come to the house while I was putting my things on the rental truck. I was afraid that tempers would flare and get really heated between my ex and me and I was afraid to be alone with my ex during such a tempestuous and emotional situation.

At one point my ex did get upset and start yelling. He picked up my toddler son’s plastic rocking horse and threw it, hitting a glass light fixture in the ceiling and shattering it. Glass rained down from the ceiling as the toy horse crashed into it.

My son, who was there and witnessed this, cried, “Daddy broke my horsey! Daddy broke my horsey!” with tears streaming down his anguished face. My heart still breaks every time I think of that wrenching finale to the break-up of our family and the pain in my son’s voice.

I tried to comfort my son and show him that his horsey wasn’t broken, but my ex was still upset and yelling and I was scared. It’s easy to see how things can go very wrong when emotions run hot as relationships are ending. I was afraid our situation would go from bad to worse. I called the police.

My father then started yelling at me for calling the police and just like last time, wanted me to call them back and tell them not to come. I was shocked and hurt and couldn’t believe the betrayal. I needed protection and here I was being ganged up on.

The police nevertheless arrived in a few minutes and my father walked up to the car and I distinctly heard him say, “Please go easy on him; he’s really hurting.”

What. The. Hell.

Hurt, betrayal, humiliation. I felt that I had no one. My own father had taken my ex’s side and defended his violent behavior while painting me as the one in the wrong. I wasn’t the one breaking things.

I should have known. This was a pattern for my father; I just hadn’t figured it out, yet.

Years have passed since that marriage and divorce and while that ex-husband and I have apologized to each other and are on good terms, I don’t speak to my father at all.

Taking My Rapist’s Side

Blog Post 8

Taking My Rapist’s Side

The things that my father has done are so outrageous, so far from normal, that they have a surreal feeling to them. These are the sorts of behaviors that if you put them in a work of fiction they would be dismissed as unbelievable. But the things that he’s done are unfortunately real. When I’ve been caught up in one of his aberrant behaviors, I start out stunned and unable to react but end up enraged later. I’ll ask the question, “How could anybody even do that?” Maybe it’s because there is Evil in the world. Maybe it’s because my father is so twisted in his thinking that he only knows how to behave in a disturbed manner. Most likely, I’ll never really know.

One year when I was in college in my early 20’s, I had a third shift job monitoring the residents in a home. Since they slept at night, I was able to do my homework there. I’d leave work and go to school from about 8am until noon. At that time, I’d go home and sleep all afternoon until it was time to get up and go to work again. At this time, “home” was a small off campus apartment that I shared with roommates.

One day while I was sleeping in the afternoon, my boyfriend showed up at the apartment. My roommate let him in the door, and then into my bedroom. He woke me up, interested in having sex. I was sound asleep and not interested. He felt entitled to my body and raped me. I fought him and was bruised on the inside of my legs where he had pried them apart. Once he had gotten what he wanted, he left.

I had to get to work that night and I had school in the morning, so instead of reporting him I took a shower, put my clothes on, and went to work like nothing had happened. Who would believe me that I’d been raped by my boyfriend, anyway? And I had shit to do.

But you can only stuff those feelings for so long before they come out whether you want them to or not. Mine wouldn’t be denied and after a few weeks I completely fell apart and couldn’t even function as a human being. I couldn’t stay in that apartment any longer or sleep in that bed where I had been raped. I ended up moving back into my childhood bedroom in my parents’ house, dropping out of school, and eventually quitting my job.

I was in my bed at my parents’ house one afternoon, sleeping, as I still had my third shift job, when my former boyfriend and rapist walked into my room. I was horrified. What the Hell was he doing here? As he approached across my room, I reached for the phone on my bedside stand to dial 911.

The ex saw what I was doing, as in I was calling the police on him, and immediately reached for my hand and for the phone and we got into a physical fight over it. I never managed to say anything into the phone, but the police knew which house it came from anyway. The ex left when he realized that the police would be on the way.

I threw on a robe and went downstairs and asked my father how this person had gotten into the house and into what should have been the sanctuary of my bedroom.

My father said, “I let him in.”

Me, horrified and confused, “What?”

My father, “He said he was sorry.”

Let me be clear, my father knew that this man had raped me. I’d told him. I’d told him that was why I was moving home. He knew. Let that sink in. He knew and he let him into my bedroom. Because he said he was sorry.

This is so far out of the realm of normal human behavior that I don’t even know what to say about it.

Obviously, I was upset. To make matters worse, when I told him that I had called 911 and the police were on the way, he INSISTED that I call them back and tell them not to come. There was no way he would have the police in front of his house.

I was now more upset, hurt and betrayed. Humiliated, I called the police back and told them not to come. Much to my relief, they said, that’s nice, we’re coming anyway.

They came into our house and sat down with us. I told them what happened and they couldn’t actually do anything as no crime had been committed there, but they took the ex’s name and made a report and I let them know that I didn’t want him coming around to where I lived. At the very least, they were supportive and kind. The police were supportive and kind, but not my father.

When I think of this, I wonder how could a father treat his daughter like this? If my child’s rapist showed up at my house, they’d be greeted, let’s say, differently. It can only be deep seated misogyny. To him, I am not a person. Nothing I say, or do, or feel, matters. My experiences don’t matter. But to him, the experiences and words and feelings of other men matter, even in relation to his own daughter. I was his plaything and it’s just fine for other men to use me as their plaything, too. Even if one rapes me. He’d always treated me as if I had no right to say “no.” He clearly didn’t think that I had the right to say “no” to anyone.

The Dream

Blog post 7

The Dream

Last night I dreamt that I saw my parents and a long dead uncle and aunt. We must have been at a family reunion or something. We were at some sort of resort. I saw my, long dead, aunt and uncle and was so happy to see them. I hugged them both, with joy. I was both happy and surprised to see them. I don’t know if this matters, but this uncle in my dream is my father’s brother.

My father, mother and I were sitting in a room. It kind of looked like a big living room. I think at times it resembled the living room at a house that we had lived in years ago. Other times it was more rustic, and resembled a place that we had had a family reunion at once. We were each sitting in straight chairs a several feet apart from each other.

Anyway, my father was asking me why I had cut him out of my life, and he wouldn’t let up. My mother was parroting him, telling me to tell him.

My mother has been dead for over two years. This dream was full of ghosts.

I said to my mother, “But I told you already. You know!”

I was desperate and very upset. I just wanted this interrogation to stop.

My mother was, in life, not in a position of power to deal with my father. She was dominated by him, also, as she was dependent upon him. She was a homemaker, but more than that, she didn’t know how to manage money or pay a bill. I’m sure my father had her right where he wanted her in many ways.

In the dream, she backed up my father, demanding that I “tell him.” She said that I owed him an explanation for my behavior.

My father continued to badger me for an explanation and I finally had had enough. I blurted out, “You molested me.”

He laughed.

I went on to describe what he had done to me, to him. I said it with conviction.

He countered with, “We were just playing. You are making a big deal out of nothing.”

He said some more things along those lines, but the dream is fading. But basically, he denied and blamed me for “misinterpreting.”

When the laughing and denial didn’t work, he cried. I didn’t love him. I was ungrateful. He hoped I’d get some help with my problem. (Meaning that I was imagining things.)

I told him that his was exactly why I hadn’t talked to him about it.

And this is why I haven’t talked to him about it. I really think that he believes he’s done nothing wrong, that he’s the victim. I think he’s actually that deluded. He thinks he’s entitled to do whatever he wants to women and girls, that they are just there to serve him, and other men. I think he truly believes that women don’t matter, that we’re not fully human. It’s probably how he lives with himself.

Pushback

Blog post 6

Pushback

In quick succession after not seeing my father for Christmas, I ignored his invitation to attend church with him, where the church would be honoring him for his ninetieth birthday, and then I didn’t go to his birthday party at his house that he threw for himself, and I threw away the card that he sent me to celebrate the day that I was adopted as an infant without even opening it. I’ve never wanted to celebrate that day.

The problem was, he kept calling me, even though his numbers were blocked on my phone. Unfortunately, even though he was blocked, his messages would show up in my messages anyway. The phone just didn’t ring. And since I wasn’t responding to his phone calls and I had him blocked on all social media, he resorted to a method that couldn’t be ignored: The United States Postal Service.

I’m sure by this time he knew I was shunning him. By avoiding all of these occasions that were important to him, I’d made it obvious. So he ramped it up with a weekly phone call that I would see transcribed in my messages and cards and letters. He sent a card for Christmas a bit after Christmas. Then he sent a birthday card. The only reason that I opened them was because if they contained any money, I planned to donate it to the Rape Crisis Center. The Christmas card was just a card, but the birthday card contained a letter. I read it once and threw it away. He whined about me shunning him, portrayed himself as loving, and basically accused me of being hateful. I went into a bit of an emotional tailspin, not from the things he said, but him contacting me when I didn’t want him to, brought up the old feelings of him touching me when I didn’t want him to. It’s like he was forcing his unwanted presence upon me.

I threw the “Happy Adoption” card away unopened and was proud of myself for doing that.

Then a week or so later, I got a thick #10 envelope in the mail from him and my curiosity got the best of me.

Keep in mind, that this was, ironically, far more contact than I would have had with my father when I was “in contact” with him. I would only see him a few times a year and now he’s pestering me weekly or so. So much for “no contact.” But up to this point, I’d really just frozen him out.

The thick envelope contained a letter explaining that he was going to see a psychologist and he wanted me to come. He wanted to work out “our problem.” And he sent several pages of computer print outs about the psychologist. I was like, what the Hell?

But I also wasn’t going to bite on his bullshit.

I’d been to counseling with him and it was him lecturing me and focusing on how disappointing I was and ungrateful and rotten. I was not the kid he ordered from the adoption agency. I’d seen this movie before and I know how it plays out.

It’s not my job to persuade my father that he abused me. I’ve told him before and he had the chance to take responsibility and he blamed me. I’m done with that.

It’s not my job to help my father heal. He can do that without me. Or not. It’s up to him.

In the letter, he also talked about how upset he was at me shunning him at his birthday. He has no idea that the gift I gave him for his birthday was not calling the church and letting them know the sort of man they were honoring. Such irony. I had gone so far as to look up the church’s phone number, but didn’t call. It just felt too vindictive.

So it became clear that he wasn’t going to stop contacting me and I was going to have to tell him to stop contacting me. I had been chewing on this for a while and finally realized that it had to be done. That I had to do it.

The last line of the birthday card he sent me said, “Practice love, not hate.” Inspired by that, I sent this note:

The most loving thing you can do for me is leave me alone. Please stop contacting me.

I don’t need to give him any other explanation. I’m done telling him how I feel. I don’t want to open myself to being vulnerable to him. There is a wall between us and I put it there and I want it there.

I hated my childhood and that feeling of powerlessness. I remember that I couldn’t wait to become an adult so that I could get out of my house and have some control over myself and what happened to me. This is me taking control of myself and taking my power back.

It’s not easy.

I knew how long it would take for a mailed letter to get to my dad’s house and I started checking my phone for messages, although none have come yet. Nor any mail. But I’m not convinced that none will.

There is another outcome that I fear. I’m afraid that he’ll kill himself. A close family member of his killed themselves out of anger and mental illness, and I wouldn’t put it past him. I fear the phone ringing and a message from my brother saying that dad’s dead. It just wouldn’t surprise me. I don’t want that to happen but it’s not my responsibility to prevent it, either.

I just want him to leave me alone, undisturbed, to live my life in peace.

Telling Others

Blog post 3

Once I realized what my father had done to me, and that I couldn’t be around him anymore, I was going to have to tell some people, and I dreaded that. I was so used to not being believed, to not being taken seriously, and to being blamed, that I thought nobody would believe me. I thought they would think I was crazy. I thought they would think I was mean.

My daughter was one of the first people that I told. She was home for Christmas and so she’d certainly notice that I was upset and also that Grandpa wasn’t coming over for Christmas.

The first thing I told her was that I had decided that Grandpa wasn’t coming over for Christmas. Her reaction: “Thank God. Seeing him is never pleasant.”

Over the years, she’d grown to just see him out of obligation. I’d never left her alone with him, and he creeped her out with his comments about her being “pretty” and always asking her if she had a boyfriend. She was worth more than that and she knew it.

Then I told her that it was because he’d molested me when I was a child and I just couldn’t see him anymore.

“Well now it all makes sense,” she said.

I asked her to explain.

“Remember that time you came home and found me in the bathtub and Grandpa was there and I had knocked my tooth out and you weren’t upset that I had knocked my tooth out but you were very upset. I could never figure out why. Now it all makes sense.”

Oh my God, yes.

When my daughter was about four years old, she had jumped down the stairs and knocked one tooth loose and the other out. The dentist had said that the other one would probably not last. About a week later, I had left my daughter with both of my parents, not thinking that anything like this could happen, as she didn’t need a bath and my father always left that to my mom anyway. I came home to find my naked daughter crying in the tub, and my father with her, having knocked her other tooth out the rest of the way. It was true, I was very upset, but not about the tooth. I was upset at finding my naked daughter with my father. Even I was surprised at my reaction. I don’t think I really understood why I was reacting like that. I hid things even from myself.

I was surprised at how vividly my daughter remembered this, and accurately.

Next, I needed to tell my son.

This caused me a great deal of anxiety. My father had spoiled my son and they had been close through the years. My son, obviously, is a boy, and my father showered him with attention and encouragement. In other words, he treated him completely differently from my daughter, and from me. I didn’t want to break his heart. He’d looked up to his grandfather over the years and had had a special relationship with him.

Due to some complicated scheduling circumstances, I ended up telling him over the phone. I had wanted to talk to him in person but it wasn’t going to happen.

So, I told him that I understood that he and his grandfather were close, and I didn’t want to interfere with that relationship. I wasn’t going to ask him to not see him or to change anything, but I wasn’t going to see him anymore, and I told him why. His reply was that he was surprised that he wasn’t more surprised. That as he had gotten older, he said, he’d come to realize that his grandfather was a horrible person who also does good things. And he told me that he was surprised that I’d put up with my father for as long as I had.

I’d say that was an accurate description. That’s one of the things that makes this so confusing. He’s done good things. It would be easy if he were obviously evil all the time. But then he’d never get what he wanted. It was very confusing to me.

I had so little confidence, I’d been manipulated so thoroughly, that I’d expected no one to believe me. Instead they believed me without question. They knew me, and they knew my father, and my story made sense. I told a couple other family members and they also believed me right away. This was a revelation.

I made it through the initial admission to myself that I had been molested, something that I had buried for years. (I didn’t have any new memories, I just realized that the things that my father had done to me were wrong. His assurances that he wasn’t doing anything wrong and his denial had shaken my confidence in my gut feeling.) I’d told some people and found assurance and support. And I’d cut off contact with my father, at least on my end. I felt better and more peaceful than I had in years. It was a start.

Christmas

I’ve always hated the Holidays. Well, maybe not always, but I have a long history of hating them. And it’s because the Holidays have a long history of bringing me misery rather than joy.

I remember when I was quite young and the Sears Holiday Wish Book would arrive in the mail months before Christmas. I’d spend hour upon hour perusing that magical catalog, dreaming about the magic of Christmas morning and getting glittering new toys that I had put on my Christmas List after discovering them in the catalog.

After much anticipation, Christmas morning would finally arrive and I would open my gifts. One year I got a Six Million Dollar Man. Another year, a microscope and premade slides. But after all the gifts were open, the excitement would start to wane. I’d get a little tired and cranky. Or I’d abandon my toys and build a fort out of the boxes. And inevitably, my father would call me “ungrateful.”

After a few years of this, I would expect that this reaction would be coming from him, and I began to anticipate it. I made sure to act grateful, whatever that was. But it was impossible. Because he’d catch me at some point without a smile on my face, and it would all be over. I was ungrateful.

In addition to my lack of gratitude, I didn’t love my father enough. I knew this because he told me so. He’d get weepy and say, “I can’t be happy because my kids don’t love me.” I told him over and over that I loved him, and he said that I didn’t show it. That I was a selfish brat that didn’t care about him. I was crushed. I wondered what I had done wrong, or if I was broken and incapable of showing love.

On more than one occasion, I asked him what he wanted for Christmas, or his birthday, and his answer was, “I want a happy family, but I can’t have one because my kids are awful and they don’t love me.” As I got older and he said to me, I realized that that was an awful lot for a grown man to put on a child.

At one time when I was quite young, I remember reading that each family can have their own birthday traditions, and you can even make up new ones. A creative and artistic kid, I decided to make up a birthday tradition for our family. I had a toy sewing machine that sewed with glue instead of thread. I was too young to sew with a machine that actually had a needle in it. Nevertheless, this glue sewing machine actually worked and I had made little stuffed animals with it and a purse. For our new birthday tradition that I made up, I made a hat. I think I modeled the hat after my rabbit fur Davey Crockett hat. I had made it out of my favorite scrap material that someone had given me. It was yellow and had cats on it. The new tradition was to be that on someone’s birthday, they would be given this special hat to wear for their birthday dinner, because they were the birthday person and deserved a special hat. Then they would keep the hat until the next birthday, when they would present the hat to the new birthday person. Kind of like when last year’s Miss America presents the crown to the new Miss America. The very first person to wear this hat would be my dad, as his was the first birthday after I made the hat and the new tradition.

I really thought this would be a very special and unique thing for our family. Our very own birthday tradition. But of course, that wasn’t how it went.

My dad’s birthday came along and we had our usual birthday dinner in our dining room, which we only used for special occasions. When it came time for the cake, the real celebration, I brought out my special hat for my dad to wear. He was loathe to wear it. I explained that it was a new, special tradition for our family that we were starting right then and he would be the first to wear the hat. It was his job to watch over the hat until the next birthday, at which time he would present it to that person. My birthday would be next.

My creative, childish, and yet fun idea of a hand made birthday hat was not met with the enthusiasm that I expected. My father would barely wear the hat for a moment. And when my birthday came only three weeks later, no hat for me. I asked where it was and was only told that it was gone. I was gutted. I was looking forward to getting the birthday hat and then passing it on to my brother, who had the next birthday. And the disappointment showed on my face. And there I was again. Ungrateful. To him. To my mother for all her hard work in making dinner. Nothing was ever good enough for me.

In adulthood I’d come a long way to distance myself from such unhappy childhood memories and to find parts of the holidays that I enjoy. I’d put my father on “low contact” without telling him and managed to see him only on the required holidays a few times a year. He would still find a way to ruin them, and as such, I dreaded the holiday season as it approached. I hated to see my father. I’m a relatively well functioning human being but being around him puts me into a tailspin. I can’t stand to have him touch me. At all. Forget a hug. His touch literally makes my skin crawl. If he touches me at all, I go wash. Spending any time with him at all makes me physically ill and will trigger a migraine that will last for days afterward.

Nevertheless, this Christmas I managed to buy him a Christmas gift fairly early in my seasonal shopping and intended to have him over for some sort of dinner. I called my brother and invited him to come to our celebration and he told me that he wouldn’t be able to make it as he’d be working that day. But he’d let Dad know when Christmas dinner was so that he could come without him.

He thought he was doing me a favor, but the mere thought of my dad at my house without my brother there to dilute the situation was more than I could handle. My mood turned dark for the rest of the day and for days afterwards. Even I was puzzled at the sudden and strong reaction that I had. My dad is an awful person to be around but my reaction was visceral.

I did a little searching of my memory, and asked Google what those memories might mean. For the first time, I finally found some clarity regarding my father and his treatment of me. I looked up some things that he had done to me when I was a child, and the Internet was unequivocal: my father had molested me. Everything suddenly made sense.